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Aug 17 2008

To Live and Die In L.A…

 

To Live & Die in L.A. (1985)

 

Directed By: William Friedkin

Written By: Gerald Petievich (novel)

William Friedkin (Screenplay)

Starring: William Petersen, Willem Dafoe, John Pankow, Debra Feuer, & John Turturro

 

Starring that guy from CSI and his penis…

Los Angeles.

William Petersen is Richard Chance, a Secret Service Agent whose partner is killed (only a couple days from retirement no less!) whilst on the trail of Serial Counterfeiter Eric “Rick” Masters – played by the always-a-bad-guy-even-when-he’s-a-good-guy Willem Dafoe (luckily, for this film, he didn’t need to try and play good). Now, first of all, anybody who is creative enough to be named Eric and have the nickname of Rick is somebody to look out for.

It’s like they say in Once Upon a Time in The West – never a trust a man who wears a belt and suspenders. Well, never trust a man whose nickname is just as many letters as his actual name.


After the death of his partner, CSI Guy is understandably upset. He is partnered up with The Artist Who Would Go On To Be Known As The Annoying Brother on Mad About You - John Pankow.

Petersen doesn’t really give a two-bit crap about laws and rules and morals at this point. He’s desperate and determined and damn-near possessed in his pursuit of revenge and “justice”

He risks his and his partner’s lives and careers, and he’s fairly nonchalant about the whole affair. Yeah, you can tell he’s stressed, and nearing the breaking point, but he doesn’t really seem to ponder too long on his decisions and their almost guaranteed repercussions.


Well, at least I know what film Scorsese was watching when he was trying to come up with an ending for The Departed…

I had never seen this little bloody thriller from Friedkin until recently.

Even though I always like “discovering” old films, I also find it quite annoying.

For example - this came out in ‘85 - so I was only 5 years old - and you see stuff in the film that sometimes seems cool - sometimes seems cliche - but almost always seems like something you’ve been seeing in films for 20+ years…

So it’s always tough to judge it in its actual context at time of release…

I don’t know if that makes any sense whatsoever…


But I think what I’m trying to say is that I wasn’t really blown away by the film…but it could actually be a pretty good film - if I was a kid - I would’ve found the head shots and brief boobs enjoyable - but as a whole I might’ve been bored - if I had been the age I am now - back in ‘85 - I know I would’ve enjoyed it quite a bit actually…

I felt very similar when I watched The French Connection a few years ago (also Friedkin…hmmm)…

Which I can see quite a bit of in this movie as well - but Petersen and Pankow are no Hackman and Scheider…

I would assume it would’ve been a pretty big surprise/shock when Petersen took the shotgun blast to the face…even though it’s been done many times before, I was still quite surprised…

I’m wondering if that was one of the things that would’ve been a little more unique/original back in the day…


It’s a film (or novel I guess technically) that I could see them remaking…

It would (maybe) look prettier - but it would lose it’s edge…It’s edge mostly being Friedkin…

Friedkin has a way of making something appear to be mainstream - but then throwing in something, anything, sometimes many things that might make the mainstream uncomfortable…

I could feel the peppering of the independent vibe throughout…

Kinda of an equal mix of flashy studio cliches mixed with Friedkin’s sensibilities…


Actually, people are gonna remake films no matter what, so if I had a choice, I wouldn’t mind seeing a Paul Verhoeven version of TL&DILA…


They could get David Caruso’s penis to star in it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jun 16 2008

Something Unexpected Happened…

Soooooooo…

Hulk opened at Number #1…

Which I’m sure is no surprise to anyone…

Panda dropped to number 2…and The Happening opened at number 3…

Which is all pretty much within range of what most were expecting…

The unexpected part is actually how strong M. Night’s Happening debuted in 3rd place…

Most everyone had already written this film off before it had even opened…

I’ll know exactly how bad or good it is hopefully in a few days…Either way though, my prediction was one of the higher ones I could find…a few other places I checked had it pegged at anywhere from $18 million to maybe $24/25 Million…

This means that M. Night does have a more than 12 fans left…

It also means that Friday the 13th is almost as lucky for horror films as October 31st is…

So how did it all end up for the SMASHING and the BEES…?

1) The Incredible Hulk - $54,540,000 ( - $10,960,000 from prediction )

2) Kung Fu Panda - $34,321,000 ( - $179,000 from prediction )

3) The Happening - $30,500,000 ( + $4,500,000 from prediction )

4) Zohan - $16,400,000 ( - $2,100,000 from prediction )

So, all in in all, not too bad…

I overshot the possibilities of The Hulk (arguably because I thought it was quite a big load of fucking awesome) and undershot the happenings of The Happening…

So take that for what it’s worth…or take it for what it’s not worth…but please, just fucking take it already…

*And remember…fuck…sorry…I can’t remember…*

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Jun 12 2008

The Hulk is Happening…

Another weekend is upon us.

Not much doubt is being had about the Not-So-Jolly Green Giant’s chances at box office dominance…just how dominant?

Well, that’s the rub…

2 new films, and 2 bad tastes in film goers mouths from previous experiences.

The Incredible Hulk will hit $50+ million. In an ideal world, it could hit high $70’s. But it’s tough to say for sure. It’s a very good film. Exactly what you expect from summer entertainment and then some. But it’s only been 5 years since a lot of people already feel they saw an Abomination on screen…

Plus (possibly not a very big plus) we have the opening of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening…

Now, Night’s not the most popular filmmaker these days…he’s far from his Sixth Sense days…he’s not even anywhere near Signs territory…The Village hurt him…Lady in the Water might’ve possibly killed the little bastard…

We’ll have to wait and see.

And don’t get me wrong, I could be one of the few Shyamalan fans left…at least one of the few who still admits it. I even admit to enjoying Lady in the Water…for the most part. But I can also see why so many hated it. So as a fan, I’m actually looking forward to seeing Happening…plus the fact that I’ve already seen Hulk, there’s a good chance I will be able to see Happening. But that’s not to say the majority of the masses are going to make that same decision…

It’s actually very safe to say the majority of the masses definitely will NOT be making that decision.

But that’s not to say there aren’t a couple of things The Happening still has going for it.

It IS Friday the 13th…and seeing as how most of the people who were going to see The Strangers, have already seen it, there is room for a new horror film. It’s also an R Rated Horror film (the first of its kind for M. Night) which means it could garner a bit more curiosity.

And it’s got Marky Mark doing his thing…which usually comes down to him playing himself…with a slightly different name…

But he is a fairly big star.

He is definitely a bigger star than Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dallas Howard, William Hurt and Paul Giamatti combined…

Now I’m not talking about acting talent here, but purely on star power alone.

Hell, The One Man Funky Bunch was able to turn something that resembled a DTV movie (Shooter) into a modest hit, so I think he’ll have a bit of an impact on The Happening’s happenings…

But, I could also be seeing the world through Night colored glasses, and it could end up getting it’s entire ass handed back to itself in a bloody mess…

Kung Fu Panda should be fairly strong in it’s second weekend.

Possibly only dropping off 40-45% or so.

You Don’t Mess With The Sandler unless you’re an animated film from Dreamworks…there’s a good chance he could lose half his audience…mostly to Hulk…some to Happening…

So what does that leave us with…?

Well, final rough estimates/predictions/theories/complete bullshit are:

1) The Incredible Hulk - $65.5 Million

2) Kung Fu Panda - $34.5 Million

3) The Happening - $26.0 Million

4) Zohan - $18.5 Million

Once again, this is all just hearsay and heresy and should never be used for gambling purposes…unless you win…then that’s some good shit right there and I’ll notify you with my demands later…

*And remember, if I can’t come up with something new to say everyday down here I’ll just write what I previously had, but backwards…and with some smoke…and backlighting…*

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Jun 10 2008

The Incredible Hulk Review…and it’s only Tuesday…

My fuck…it’s full of stars…

You know how there’s always that lame ass line in some movie where somebody takes a bit of a dramatic pause…and then they proudly proclaim “Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!!”? Well, at the sake of sounding cliche, now THAT’S what I’m fucking talking about!!!

This is a superhero film.
And this is how you have a superhero fight…

I’m gonna do my best to not say: Hulk is Incredible…even though it is…I caught myself grinning more often than not throughout the film…and I’m not some huge comic/Hulk geek…
I recently watched Ang Lee’s Hulk again on TV, and even though I warmed up to it a bit more than my initial viewing, it’s still not what I really wanted to see in a Hulk movie…
I’m all for some drama, and emotion, and character development, and all the stuff that will make most movies better…but in the case of a comic book or superhero movie, all those things are fine and dandy, but in the end, more so than most films, you want that SMASH and BANG!.
You crave it…
And when or if you don’t get it, or don’t get much of it…then you’re kinda left with a bit of emptiness after…

I felt no emptiness after this movie except for the fact that there was no way I could go and see it again right away with more people…

You get 3 Main scenes (as in 3 big Hulk getting down with his inner smash). All 3 each build up on top of each other, and slowly give you a little more and more.
It reminds me a bit of when I was watching the special features for Flash Point and for Kill Zone (SPL). Donnie Yen would say that he specifically designs the whole film around the action scenes. He will build each scene, slowly up the pace, and tease you a little more with each action scene until it just lets loose in the end.

You can feel this movie was designed around the Hulk. Everything was put in place and planned out in order to perfectly hand you a “brand new hero” without ever being a true origin story.
But it’s built around the intensity and the suspense and the completely unpredictable Hulk himself.
It’s not like the other parts without the Hulk are useless or pointless. Without them, everything with the Hulk would just be an angry green man who has never discovered spandex…

What I’m trying to say is, with Lee’s Hulk, I felt it was built around Bruce and the people around him. He was always trying to get rid of this “curse” and was never willing to accept it. It seemed to be more about the emotions and inner turmoil of a man with this extremely dark side.
Which is fine, if that’s the way you want to see it done.

The Incredible Hulk is about the Hulk becoming a HERO. About Bruce (hopefully) learning maybe not how to control it per se, but at least how to “aim” it…
It’s not about a man running away from himself.
He’s running away from everyone else until he hopefully doesn’t have to run anymore…

But with the last shot of Norton in the film, you know this isn’t some dude who is continuously wrestling with inner demons and depression and pathos…it’s some dude who has come to terms with what he is, and he’s more at peace with it…he’s possibly even a bit happy about it…

Once again, I’m sure this is a little too random or rambling-esque, but I’m just kinda pulling out bits and pieces in my head and trying to do it a bit of justice…

Back to the 3 “scenes”

The first one, when the army first finds Banner living near the few shacks that weren’t destroyed in Bad Boys 2…and they corner him in a bottling plant/warehouse.
Between the army, and some bad ass co-workers - Bruce is fucked - and has nowhere to go…
Except deep inside while his friend comes out to play…

This first scene with the Hulk takes place in a lot of shadows with bits of light and glimpses of the Hulk.
It’s a nice tease.
It’s also the first meeting between the Hulk and Blonsky (the always smarmy, sleazy, creepy looking Tim Roth)
Their second meeting (the one with the tear gas launched into the walk-way from the trailer) is after Blonsky has had a minor injection of some serum that was being developed during some sort of sequel war…

Blonsky actually holds his own for a brief moment…that is until another moment when The Hulk hoofs him in the chest and sends him crashing (hard like a muthafucka) into a tree…
Blonsky crumples, and we later find out that his bones are more like mashed potatoes and he’s just a big bloody mess…

Their 3rd meeting, is of course, the big Hulk Vs. Abomination…

And this is truly what I was talking about when I said that this is a superhero fight…

Arguably, my biggest problem with Iron Man is that when we finally got to the big climactic fight, it suddenly seemed over. It was too quick. Which is a bit of a problem with a lot of big budget films. They sometimes seem to blow their load on everything leading up to the end, sometimes the part that should matter most, doesn’t get all the attention or detail it deserves.

And this goes back to what I was saying about the film being built around the Hulk action scenes.
Like Donnie Yen said, when he makes his Hong Kong films, they don’t usually have that much money, so they can never have too many huge action scenes.
But that’s okay, because in an action film, the scene that is supposed to stand out the most (unfortunately a lot of the time it’s for the worse) is the climax. That’s where everything comes together. That’s when everything gets tied up. And that’s when everybody just lets the fuck loose. It’s one of the last things the audience will remember…you want them to remember it for all the right reasons.
So Yen would make sure that all the earlier scenes built up to the amazing climax - it made it all worthwhile.
[i]The Incredible Hulk[/i] does NOT blow it’s load early.
They made sure that their climactic battle, would be running through the audiences head for a long time after.
And it is…

When you finally get to the true “HULK SMASH!” moment, it’s well worth it…because he truly does smash…and smash and smash and smash…wherein in Ang’s Hulk he jumped…and jumped and jumped and jumped…this one trades all the jumping for smashing…

And I must say, the worst bits of cgi were scenes that usually seem to look bad in most films…for some reason…my buddy I went with said the same thing…it’s the cgi city view from the helicopter thing. Flying through the city and what-not…it always looks like a bit of a flight simulator…but if that’s what they needed to do in order to make the Hulk appear as a real character, I’m fine with that. He interacts and mingles with the real actors as well as Kong and/or Gollum. His skin isn’t the constant one green shade like previously - it’s more like real skin that’s a different color. Like that dude that was on Oprah, with the blue skin. It would still have some different colors and shades and depths to it depending on the kind of light…and it was spot on…

I’ll need to really sit down and try to focus my thoughts better in order to write something a little more proper and coherent…but I’m willing to try and answer any questions people might have…

I also will have to see this and Iron Man again, to see which one I enjoy more in the end…
Of course Downey’s performance in Iron Man is hands down brilliant (as well as his brief moment in Hulk…which shows off exactly the kinda sparks we might see between Hurt and Downey in the future…just a few lines shared and they already clicked…), and Norton’s in Hulk are mostly a polar opposite…which I can see gelling well together down the road…
But
I like that Norton wasn’t all depressed and sorrowful the whole time…he had a bit of spark and wit to him. And he has a way of conveying intensity and calmness with the same simple glare.
It’s nothing too flashy for him like some of his previously lauded roles - but it’s a fine line. He’s not too geeky. Or too nerdy. Or too depressed. Or too Emo. Or too stalkerish.
He has his issues, and he deals with them, but he still tries to exist in a normal way.

I will say I think Incredible Hulk suffers a bit less from the whole origin-itis thing that so many comic book films seem they need to inflict upon themselves.
And for certain ones, it’s kinda unavoidable.
Iron Man did it well, but for that type of film and character, it did need to have some sort of setup.

But with The The Incredible Hulk I feel that even if there wasn’t the previous one, this one still could’ve done it the exact same way it did now.
You get a brief setup of what happened, kind of, in the opening title sequence.

Then we’re into the movie.

So you don’t have to endure Bruce getting his powers…discovering his powers…learning his powers…etc…

But, that’s not to say this isn’t an Origin film.
It’s not the origin of one man and his powers…
It’s the origin of one man with powers becoming a hero…and I think in the end, that’s what makes it so enjoyable…

And I’m not saying any of these other heroes didn’t eventually become heroes…they did…that’s what it’s all about…
But I don’t know, it was just nice to see things done differently…

You get a few little moments of exposition throughout so it helps you understand a bit more about what happened…in case you came in a few minutes late.
But it’s nice, because with him already having the powers, we can jump into the action quite early and get things going…then fill in a few blanks here and there throughout…

And Hulk’s true hero shot at the end…with his foot pinning down The Abomination…cops and civilians all gathered around staring in awe…and the roar…just before he takes off…really gives you something to smile about…and something to shiver about…

So yeah…what else…there’s bits of humor…nothing goofy like cgi animals or monkeys swinging.
Just a few small moments or reactions or quips that keep it light enough in between the intensity to make it the perfect summer escape film.
It never takes itself too seriously, but it does treat all the subject matter and the fantastical elements seriously. And I think that’s a big problem with some films. Especially since more and more big name and/or talented directors and stars and what-not are working on these types of films.

Sometimes I think people try to get a little too serious with films like these cause they feel that if they don’t, it might be beneath them, or seem cheesy, or something…but then they end up taking/sucking all the fun out of it…
And I’m not just talking about comic book films…but many and any type of genre films…

It’s a difficult job to be able to have everybody involved buy into the world and the characters you’re creating, and to take it seriously, but still know that in the end, they’re there to entertain as well.

The Incredible Hulk doesn’t goof off or get all cheesy…even the few lines spoken by the Hulk were fine with me…because they could’ve just as easily made him some wise-cracking behemoth…but they don’t…
But, in the end, Louis Letterier and his band of merry sapiens know that they are making a comic book movie…and that’s exactly what I (a non comic reader, but a big comic film fan) could’ve asked for.

At this point…a feel like anything less than a 9 rating would be PUNY!!!

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Jun 09 2008

Close only counts in horseshoes…harrassment…and box office predictions…

To re-cap, I ended my ramble-assed prediction column with this:

1) Kung Fu Panda - $58.5 million

2) You Don’t Mess W/The Zohan - $37.5 million

3) Nuke the Fridge - $23.0 Million

4) Seabiscuit’s Horny Friends - $21.6 Million

Now, according to many sites with many connected and large numbers, this weekend’s box office is gonna look something like this:

1 Kung Fu Panda $ 60,000,000 - $1.5 million from prediction
2 Zohan $ 40,000,000 - $2.5 million from prediction
3 Indiana Jones $ 22,805,000 - $195 thousand from prediction
4 Sex and the City $ 21,310,000 - $290 thousand from prediction

5 The Strangers $9,290,000
6 Iron Man $7,522,000
7 Prince Caspian $5,527,000
8 What Happens in Vegas $3,400,000
9 Baby Mama $780,000
10 Made of Honor $775,000

If my hands weren’t somewhere inappropriate right now, I’m sure I’d attempt a bit of a back pat…

Regardless…you’re only as good as your last prediction…which means I’m sure I’ll regret not taking that back pat when I had the chance…

*And remember, the only way to keep the bubbles in your swing is to cork your bat…*

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Jun 06 2008

Black Dynamite!!!

Wow…Can you honestly believe this is a brand new movie coming out in 2008!?!?!?It looks fucking awesome…Like Dolemite and Shaft and Black Belt Jones all rolled into a package known as Michael Jai White…who from henceforth will be Black Dynamite!!!”He’s got 2 guns…one to get out of trouble…and one to start it…”Or something like that…From the trailer at least (which is a tasty red band trailer) it looks like they’ve completely captured the feel and style, and essence of all those “great” 70’s exploitation/grindhouse films…And as much as I enjoyed last year’s Grindhouse…you always knew it was a modern film trying to appear old…Until I checked out the page for the film at imdb.com (Black Dynamite) I wasn’t ready to believe it wasn’t just some re-release or some “lost film” from that era…And honestly, that’s the best thing for a period piece…if you can’t actually tell when it’s been made, it makes it almost timeless…The fact that there’s not that many recognizable stars in it…Jai White could be any Exploitation star from the 70’s…that’s how damn impressive he appears to be…And apparently Arsenio Hall and Tommy Davidson star in it as well…named Tasty Freeze and Cream Corn…respectively…Not sure yet when this fucker’s coming out…but I recommend anybody, anywhere, who might’ve been a fan of any of these types of films (for example, see below) to keep their eyes and ears open, and their ass cheeks puckered, because whenever it happens, I don’t think any of us will ever be the same…Just like The Man when he fucks with the muthafuckin Black Dynamite!!!

Black Belt Jones

He’s a bad mutha–SHUT YO MOUTH!!!

Dolemite…MUTHA FUCKA!!!

Is this the cool of the muthafuckin cool…? Or is it just a lame attempt at some peeps trying to be cool…? Either way, I’m looking forward to some ass kicking, titty grabbing, gun firing, arterial spraying, fists flying and all around debauchery running rampant…I’m looking forward to some darkly colored dynamite…I’m watching my back, for BLACK DYNAMITE!!!

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Jun 05 2008

Kung Fu Zohan?!?!?!

Another weekend…

Another obligatory battle at the box office…

This week though, it’s not Seabiscuit and her old friends trying to fend off a bunch of grumpy old men with a whip fetish…

This week we have Jack Black playing a panda…and Adam Sandler playing a hair-dressing Israeli soldier…

I don’t think there’s too much worry about Panda not coming out of this fight on top…

That’s not to say Sandler’s Zohan is gonna bomb like some sort of device that could possibly be used by his character in the film…

Panda has a good chance to hit at least 50-60 million on the low end…65-80 I’d say on the high end…

Zohan on the other hand, will probably do something more like 25-35 million on the low end…possibly 40-48 or so on the high end…

I don’t foresee Sandler taking in more than 50 million this weekend…

The lack of (quality…in terms of box office reception only) family films recently means the kids are getting antsy…

Which means the ‘rents will be desperate to take them to something that’ll shut ‘em up for a good 80+ minutes…

How big Panda will actually be depends on how much people wanna see Sandler playing a hairdresser (albeit a very tough/strong/warrior-esque hairdresser)…as well as how much they once again enjoy him with a “funny voice” (could either go the way of Waterboy…or Lil Nicky…)

It’ll also depend on what those Old Dirty Ladies decide to do this weekend…the fact that after it’s1st day, it was tracking 70-75 million for it’s opening, and it only ended up with something in the mid 50’s means that the majority of anybody who wants to see it, saw it…and they saw it early…

Yes, there are some (as in an inexplicable amount) that are going to/have seen it more than once…but it’s not the type of film that’s going to attract any new fans…even it it did have good reviews (they’re mediocre…depending who you ask) and even if all the women decided to get naked in it (they don’t…only that slightly sexy in a weird, old, but she was probably pretty hot back in the day kinda way Redhead has some sort of actual flesh on display) there still wouldn’t be much for new converts…

Which means a fairly hefty drop for Sexless and the City…Heftier than Kim Cattrall’s botox bills…we’re talking anywhere from 50-65% for a drop off…

And there’s a good chance that Shia could monkey swing his way past the ladies this week…

And how do I know all this…?

Well, simple, I make up as much of it as possible…then when I’m proven wrong, I’ll have some sort of lame-ass, but feasible enough excuse as to why things went awry…

And if I end up somehow being even slightly right (which actually does seem to happen more often than you’d think) I will take all the credit and continuously claim that a chunk of my brain is wire-tapped into every single movie theater in North America…it gives me a bit of a sting…which slowly turns to a soothing numb on the big money weekends…but it does impress my friends when I tell them in advance exactly how much of a % they contributed (or din’t contribute) to a film’s failure/success…

Then I get bag checked and once all those bastards stop laughing, I’ll admit that once again, I made a good chunk of something or another up…

That being said, I re-iterate:

1) Kung Fu Panda - $58.5 million

2) You Don’t Mess W/The Zohan - $37.5 million

3) Nuke the Fridge - $23.0 Million

4) Seabiscuit’s Horny Friends - $21.6 Million

* And remember, movie theaters don’t actually mind if you bring your own food with you…they’re just not too keen on letting you use the microwave for it…*

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Jun 05 2008

Strange Wilderness…

Strange Wilderness

Seriously…?
What the fuck…?

You’d think a film that had so many (apparently) funny people in it would make some sort of attempt to actually be funny…

Or maybe they forgot to hire a director and/or screenwriter…

There’s barely a cohesion of anything between the scenes…
Something that happens one scene rarely has an effect that carries over to any of the other scenes…

Jonah Hill was cast in an entirely different movie…some movie that required him to speak in some annoying voice/dialect…

Justin Long must’ve gone to the John Hurt School of Accepting Easy Paychecks…
Because he got to smoke dope…
He also got to act like that kid on the bus…the one in the front with the hockey helmet and drool guard…yeah…Justin Long got to act like that kid once that kid discovered his older brother’s bong…

The most difficult thing he had to do in the film was sit in the makeup chair to get eyes tattooed onto his eyelids…
Which was pretty funny…the first time I saw it in Ski Patrol…18 years earlier…

It’s like they decided to set up some scenes, give the actors some props, and let them improv all their lines…and then it’s like they deleted all the funny stuff, and kept the boring, pointless stuff that didn’t make any sense…

Oh, yes, lest I forget the stock footage accompanied by “hilarious” commentary…

I would’ve rather listened to the original voice over from the 70’s…

This is a pointless fucking movie made strictly to annoy…
If it wasn’t for the couple of nice tit scenes (and the fact that Five Across The Eyes is still inherently more annoying…in other ways) this would be the worst film of the year for me so far…

The tits save it…
Barely…
And Robert Patrick’s penis almost sinks it…

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Jun 05 2008

Flash Point

Flash Point

Donnie Yen is the muthafucka of muthafuckas…
He’s the Asian Charles Bronson…

In the supplements, Colin Chou’s feelings on the situation pretty much sum up how this film is…and how I feel about it…

He told Yen that after so many years (like 7 or something like that) of making Hollywood films, then coming back home for Flash Point, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle another Hong Kong action film…
American Action films are just so much easier…
And indeed they are…

The first chunk of the movie is enjoyable enough…
It sets everything up nicely and makes the ending all the more worthwhile…

It’s a fun, and cool enough action film at that point, which looks just as good (or better) than most of it’s American contemporaries…

With some sweet fucking scenes…
But then something happens…
With I don’t know, 40 minutes or so left, there’s a scene in a hospital elevator…at that point the film doesn’t let up till the end…
And it’s hands downs some of the coolest and most satisfying action I’ve seen in a long time…

You know how a lot of peeps enjoyed the down and dirty, rough and tumble, hard hitting fights of Casino Royale…
Everything had an impact…and it felt real…but it wasn’t too shaky cammed that you couldn’t make out what was happening…

Now imagine that type of action done with the actual people who create that kind of action…

I’m not knocking somebody like Daniel Craig, who was beyond adequate enough in those types of scenes…

But I’m talking about a muthafuckin’ Donnie Yen…
And Colin Chou…

The last 40 minutes just has so many different parts of cool and bad ass…there’s scene upon scene…foot chase…fight scene…shoot out…sniper rifles…head shots…slo-mo gun tosses through the air during a fire fight…bullets being thrown to people through the air…bullets being shot out of air…fight scene…FIGHT SCENE!!!

The film climaxes with Donnie Yen and Colin Chou beating the fuck out of each other…
And it’s not just your regular martial arts kung fu kicks and punches…

Yen has taken years of MMA research and incorporated a fuckload of ways to beat you up…

And I must say he delivers a better, and much more devastating suplex than most professional wrestlers…

There’s this one point, after a foot chase, that within just a few frames you have feelings of shock, disgust, and pure pants wetting excitement…

At one point, The Yen catches the guy he’s chasing at some sort of outdoor cafe/market thing.

The Yen pulls his gun…
The dude picks up some little girl and holds her upside down…
The Yen tosses his gun to the side…
The dude proceeds to toss the little girl aside…a few feet through the air aside…

I must admit, I let out a chuckle…cause you don’t usually see that in the Hollywood films…
But then she crashes down into the pavement…and she gets fucked up…and that’s where a bit of disgust (along with a different sort of shock) kicks in briefly…cause you definitely don’t see that in Hollywood films…not often at least…

Then…
The Yen turns around…and he stares this fucker down…and you just know that was the last mistake that dude will ever make…

The Yen proceeds to beat the guy to death with his fists full of fuck you…

I can’t emphasize enough how much fun I had watching this thing…

If this movie was any better I’d be bleeding…

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Jun 05 2008

Five Across the Eyes…

Five Across the Eyes…

Seriously…?
This gets fucking picked up/purchased/marketed/released/rented/shown onDemand…?

Are you fucking serious…?
My high school video projects seriously had better quality/production value/acting…

And that was 10 years ago…
And our professional equipment consisted of a Sony camcorder…we would edit by recording back and forth from camera to VCR…back and forth…

After further investigation, I found out that my high school videos were made for about $4000 less than this film…
And our videos were made for nothing…

5 girls (a term I use loosely…because if you take away the fact they look like girls…I’m not sure what they are…) get lost driving down some country roads…

They stop at a store…
Crash (another loosely used term…because the lack of budget means they can’t show the crash…you can hear it…and anytime you see the “smashed up” vehicle later…you can easily tell they just removed a bulb from a headlight so it would look “damaged”) into an empty SUV, and take off…

A little while later, some psycho later chases them down in the SUV and proceeds to terrorize them for about 80 minutes…
Or you get the impression that they’re being terrorized…

The “style” of the film is done in almost a documentary/lost footage way…
With handheld camera and what-not…
But there’s never any explanation for that choice except for the fact they had no money…

The camera rarely leaves the inside of the van that girls are in…
Even when they do…

And it never stops moving and blurring, and being so damn grainy you can never really make out what’s happening…

No known lighting sources were used except for a random flashlight, a headlight, and maybe one or two stars in the sky…

And I’m sure their sound recordist was sitting in the trunk of a car holding up a minidisc player…hopefully catching snippets of dialogue…

Oh, but don’t worry, when the “girls” aren’t shrieking and crying all over the place, and when you can figure out what they’re saying, well, let me tell you that I’ve seen better performances from the stains in my sheets than these people…

Fucking atrocious attempts at acting…
Honestly…
As a fucking director, one of your main fucking jobs is to make sure that anytime somebody says something, everybody will believe/buy into what they’re saying…and this film had two fucking directors…!
But when the person spewing forth random shit doesn’t even convincingly believe what they’re spewing…which is tough to fathom because there are moments where they’re supposed to be normal girls…talking about normal girl things…and that’s some of the most unbelievably bad stuff in it…

I’m sure I wouldn’t even have to mention some of the “smart decisions” that’re made throughout…

Like anytime this psycho chick is chasing them, she’s shown to be right on their ass…then whenever these chicks slam on the brakes to make a turn, or to briefly stop, there’s a good few minutes before the crazy lady arrives…

There’s also a point where the girls in the van are trying to throw stuff at the SUV chasing them…
Small random things that either harmlessly bounce off the SUV, or miss it completely…

Then one girl, decides to “pinch off a cigar in her hand” (their words, not mine) and proceeds to throw actual shit on the SUV’s windshield…

Now, we don’t see the pinching of said cigar, we just suddenly hear the girls in the van complaining of a bad smell…
Then this one chick leans out the van door and makes a throwing motion…

Then we see, what looks like Kraft peanut butter (crunchy, not smooth) splatter across the SUV’s windshield…

Apparently that was enough to buy them some time, because suddenly, the threat is over, and they can relax a bit…
I guess the crazy lady had to quickly go find a car wash…

There’s implied screwdriver rape/torture and sodomy with a shotgun…

But, like I said, everything is rather pointless, and derivative, and just plain annoying because of the complete lack of effort and care that went into at least trying to accomplish one aspect of quality filmmaking…

Be it story, lighting, sound, acting, or all around creativity…
If you seem to have none of those, or the ability to produce any of those, then what’s the point…?

And I know, it sounds harsh…and I don’t know the people who made the film…
I thought it had to be a couple of high school kids…
Further questing led me to find out the directors are about a year older than me…
But the script was originally written by one of their buddies while he was in high school…
So they re-worked it..

I will commend anybody for making a film…for getting it done…no matter what…especially with only $4000.
I will also commend them for being able to get some sort of distribution out of it…
And even if people hate it, at least people are seeing it…

But it pisses me off…
Cause in my mind, it doesn’t matter if you have $4000 or $4,000,000 or $4.00…
You should always be able to put forth the highest quality project possible…

But it also does motivate me…

You know how you sometimes see a film, and you say “Well, I could’ve done better…” and you’re never really sure if it’s true or not…cause you’re talking out of your ass…
But in this case…I really do think I could…which means that there is always a possibility for something to make it through…

I’ll recommend this film to anyone who might be an aspiring independent filmmaker…

I’m not saying it’ll teach you any tricks to use or stuff to try…but it might show you what not to do…and what you could possibly try and focus on in order to be better…

Because hey, if there are people out there watching this film…and some that are actually giving it good reviews, then anything is possible…
Well…almost anything…it’s still not really possibly for me to consider this movie good…

I’ll give it a bit of professional courtesy and respect…but that still doesn’t mean it’s any fucking good…

I’d almost rather watch the Black Christmas remake…
And I think that was one of my choices for the most hated film I saw last year…

Five across the eyes indeed…

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